It's not just this time of year

but it's true,Christmas doesn't help it any...

2? 3? years ago...how pathetic am I? He's practically engaged.
And it's not like I want him, but that memory is bitter sweet.
It was a wonderful moment; one that hasn't had any like it follow since.
 Sure I've briefly faked it with others, but never once
have I been in a relationship; just "having fun".

It seems to me that only time I want to write is when
I'm melancholy;and how I wish I wasn't such a whiny
bitch, but alas this is who I seem to be.

At least I'm only bitching to the void of the internet....

I talked to my sister today; I swear that woman falls
into jobs and relationships
like I fall down. And I KNOW that she dates losers
and guys I don't want to, but I
want to date/get married...it's just never gonna happen.

Why do we/I enjoy listening to music that helps us/me
revel in the misery of the heart? Not that the following lyrics
 really are bad, but they do have the melancholy that
my heart seems to carry with it. Will I ever heal? I doubt it.
 I keep switching between longing to be in love
and the cynicism that I'm actually better off alone. All I know
is I don't want what my parents have...I want something better.

This song speaks to me. It's how I feel; almost to a 't'.

Anyway, here's Relient K's Merry Christmas,Here's to Many More....

I made it through the year and I did not even collapse
Gotta say, "Thank God, for that"
I'm torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half
I'll fall apart or stay intact

With tired eyes I stumble back to bed
I need to realize my sorry life's not hanging by a thread
At least not yet

So look at me now
Its finally Christmas and I'm home
Head indoors, to get out of this weather
And I don't know how
But the closest friends I've ever known are all inside
Singing together
Singing merry Christmas, here's to many more

It always hurt to be all by myself this time of year
A cold and lonely Christmas eve
And living out my days alone
Well that had been my deepest fear
But you promised you won't leave

I look towards the east and see a star
Jesus Christ, has blessed my life to know just who you are
You are my hope

So look at me now
Its finally Christmas and I'm home
Head indoors, to get out of this weather
And I don't know how
But the closest friends I've ever known are all inside
Singing together
Singing merry Christmas, here's to many more

Deck the halls with mistletoe
May all your heavy burdens go
Up the chimney in a cloud of smoke
The fire's burning bright
Strike up the band and play the tune
Cause Christmas will be here and soon
You'll hear our song in every room
This merry Christmas night

Singing merry Christmas, here's to many more

fa la la la
fa la la la

Metaphysical thoughts about Fable, myself, and God

For some reason I was thinking about how comfortable I've become with my cat versus how I felt about her when I first got her. When I first got her, we were both unsure about each other. I'd be watching tv or reading but I always wanted to know where she was or what she was doing, and she was more or less the same way. She was weary of me and I her. Now we aren't really interested in what the other is doing unless we might want to join in. Although, sometimes she follows me around - always has to be in the same room as me. But then I was thinking about how before I got her I didn't think I really needed a cat. I would play with the idea of getting a cat or dog, but never really wanted to commit to the idea. Then Dane and Lindsey needed to get rid of her and since I had been thinking about getting a cat, said I'd take her. If it didn't work out I could always take her to the pound... But now if I were to have to get rid of her I'd be lonely. I miss her when I'm away from her for too long. Like when I went to Hawaii she was the one back home I missed the most. I think she's a good part of my emotional stability these past 7? months....or more stable than I've been in the past.

It's funny how sometimes when I think about my relationship with Fable I compare it to God. Sometimes she's in God's role and sometimes I am. She likes to be near me - just I should be towards God- just as God is to me. Sometimes she feels insecure and if I stop petting her she gets upset and I know there have been times where I've felt like that with God. God "takes His hand off to change the page in His book" and I look at Him like "Lord, what is wrong?". At the beginning of our relationship with Him, we know we need Him, but the more we get to know Him and become dependent on Him the more we realize how much we NEED Him. We rely on Him, and get worried when it seems like He won't be there for us, but unlike myself or a cat, HE will always be there. Yes, I know bad things will still happen. This is a fallen world we live in, God is good and all things work to His glory, which is what we are here for anyway - glorifying Him.