It's not just this time of year

but it's true,Christmas doesn't help it any...

2? 3? years ago...how pathetic am I? He's practically engaged.
And it's not like I want him, but that memory is bitter sweet.
It was a wonderful moment; one that hasn't had any like it follow since.
 Sure I've briefly faked it with others, but never once
have I been in a relationship; just "having fun".

It seems to me that only time I want to write is when
I'm melancholy;and how I wish I wasn't such a whiny
bitch, but alas this is who I seem to be.

At least I'm only bitching to the void of the internet....

I talked to my sister today; I swear that woman falls
into jobs and relationships
like I fall down. And I KNOW that she dates losers
and guys I don't want to, but I
want to date/get married...it's just never gonna happen.

Why do we/I enjoy listening to music that helps us/me
revel in the misery of the heart? Not that the following lyrics
 really are bad, but they do have the melancholy that
my heart seems to carry with it. Will I ever heal? I doubt it.
 I keep switching between longing to be in love
and the cynicism that I'm actually better off alone. All I know
is I don't want what my parents have...I want something better.

This song speaks to me. It's how I feel; almost to a 't'.

Anyway, here's Relient K's Merry Christmas,Here's to Many More....

I made it through the year and I did not even collapse
Gotta say, "Thank God, for that"
I'm torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half
I'll fall apart or stay intact

With tired eyes I stumble back to bed
I need to realize my sorry life's not hanging by a thread
At least not yet

So look at me now
Its finally Christmas and I'm home
Head indoors, to get out of this weather
And I don't know how
But the closest friends I've ever known are all inside
Singing together
Singing merry Christmas, here's to many more

It always hurt to be all by myself this time of year
A cold and lonely Christmas eve
And living out my days alone
Well that had been my deepest fear
But you promised you won't leave

I look towards the east and see a star
Jesus Christ, has blessed my life to know just who you are
You are my hope

So look at me now
Its finally Christmas and I'm home
Head indoors, to get out of this weather
And I don't know how
But the closest friends I've ever known are all inside
Singing together
Singing merry Christmas, here's to many more

Deck the halls with mistletoe
May all your heavy burdens go
Up the chimney in a cloud of smoke
The fire's burning bright
Strike up the band and play the tune
Cause Christmas will be here and soon
You'll hear our song in every room
This merry Christmas night

Singing merry Christmas, here's to many more

fa la la la
fa la la la

Metaphysical thoughts about Fable, myself, and God

For some reason I was thinking about how comfortable I've become with my cat versus how I felt about her when I first got her. When I first got her, we were both unsure about each other. I'd be watching tv or reading but I always wanted to know where she was or what she was doing, and she was more or less the same way. She was weary of me and I her. Now we aren't really interested in what the other is doing unless we might want to join in. Although, sometimes she follows me around - always has to be in the same room as me. But then I was thinking about how before I got her I didn't think I really needed a cat. I would play with the idea of getting a cat or dog, but never really wanted to commit to the idea. Then Dane and Lindsey needed to get rid of her and since I had been thinking about getting a cat, said I'd take her. If it didn't work out I could always take her to the pound... But now if I were to have to get rid of her I'd be lonely. I miss her when I'm away from her for too long. Like when I went to Hawaii she was the one back home I missed the most. I think she's a good part of my emotional stability these past 7? months....or more stable than I've been in the past.

It's funny how sometimes when I think about my relationship with Fable I compare it to God. Sometimes she's in God's role and sometimes I am. She likes to be near me - just I should be towards God- just as God is to me. Sometimes she feels insecure and if I stop petting her she gets upset and I know there have been times where I've felt like that with God. God "takes His hand off to change the page in His book" and I look at Him like "Lord, what is wrong?". At the beginning of our relationship with Him, we know we need Him, but the more we get to know Him and become dependent on Him the more we realize how much we NEED Him. We rely on Him, and get worried when it seems like He won't be there for us, but unlike myself or a cat, HE will always be there. Yes, I know bad things will still happen. This is a fallen world we live in, God is good and all things work to His glory, which is what we are here for anyway - glorifying Him.

Creative milkshake

The tree of creativty has really blossomed this season and when the tree was full of fruit I went out and picked an armful of fruit. I brought the fruit into my kitchen and let it ripen for a bit, but soon turned it into juice. I have been drinking this juice regularly...the creative juice sure is flowing. ;)

A friend and I are working on a comic. It started as an idea I had, but I knew that he likes to write and is an excellent drawer. I took it to him and told him that I had an idea but was pretty sure the only way I could present it was as a comic. I am not sure I can convey the images properly in print.

While we were talking he told me about a dream a friend of his had a long time ago, and the produced the second book I'm working on....it will be a children's book that I will write and illustrate and print. I plan on sending it to several people I know with children (my cousin is due in December and one of my friends just had her third, along with my mentors in Arizona who are planning on adopting another child). I drew up more characters yesterday, and now just need to mash out a story. We're thinking of plopping some of these characters into the comic book in the above mentioned paragraph.

A friend of mine started writing a story this summer and after reading it I became inspired to write a "fanfic" for it. We started working on this world that he had built together and I let him read what I have so far - he liked it. :) I told him how I saw things and how my character saw things and he is planning on using some of the terms I coined.

And that's pretty much it. I think I'm going to go and play the piano for a bit...it's been far too long since I sat down and played my version of Amazing Grace (Yes, I wrote another melody).

I should be sleeping

but instead I'm writing this....there's no work coming in at my job which means there's no money. I know God will provide, but I'm not sure how He plans on doing it...will it be work where I'm currently at or a new job? Will I have to move? If I start subbing and like it and it pays the bills but I get a job somewhere else which should I take? What if I get a job I don't really want and later a job I want opens up? What if I can't get any jobs? Will unemployment give me enough money to live? What if I can't get a job and unemployment runs out? Do I really have to move back in with my parents?

Those are just some questions bouncing around in my head :(

Who turned on the sprinklers?

Fire fizzled out as I predicted. Which is fine; it's probably better that way. Good thing is there's no pain. For the first time in my life (I think), a male-female romantic relationship has ended and there were no negatives feelings (on my side). No guilt, no pain, no feeling like I'm a horrible person. This is awesome. :D If only all my dating experiences could end like this.

On a different note, the bank didn't call today which means I should call the loan officer tomorrow...huzzah! (not). Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed that I get pre-approved for a loan to buy a house.

Playing with fire is fun

and sure, I have a lot of burn scars, but scars are cool!! Atlhough, this time feels different from the last. Of course, there are similarities, but I'm older, wiser, and less attached. He's fun and cute, but I'm not emotionally invested. And I think that's the difference. Unlike the last one, there are no emotions involved. If we date cool; if not whatever, either way my eyes are gonna be looking around for something better.

It's the end of the world as we know it

and I feel fine :)


So, I hooked up with my friend's brother last week at a party I threw. We've been talking ever since, but I feel awkward when I hang out with my friend now, especially after Thursday night when I was jokingly telling ***** that he should hook with my sister instead of me and he kissed me and told me to do that to his brother/my friend.

I want to get married, and sometimes I wonder why. Especially after I talk to my parents about their marriage. I mean, really the only marriage I know fairly well, is one of many that I don't want. Why do I want to get married? Guess, it's a good thing there are no prospects in my life.